And so should all of you.
That's right you strawberry-mocha-latte-sipping liberals; each and every one of you should, indeed must cast your vote for president to John McCain.
I'll lay out the case, based on the great man's own words and ideas.
You see, we own it to him, and we owe it to ourselves.
He suffered in that Hanoi Hilton; he suffered for us. In a messianic show of fortitude, he nearly died for our sins. He went through so much pain and humiliation while he was a POW (I bet none of you knew that!) and it became a transformational moment for him. Indeed, just as he was signing those anti-American statements he underwent a metamorphosis, as well as several other polysyllabic words that psychiatrists use when they describe something bad happening to you. He changed.
He's told us what that change did to him- he's become a maverick. He's no longer interested in party (and shame on all of you who don't believe him) no longer interested in supporting only conservative causes and presidents. He's no longer interested in that partisanship.
Instead, he's just an American.
And his goals have completely changed as well. He is only interested in serving our country. He is only interested in doing what is best for us, doing indeed, what is best for all Americans. He wants to be the president for all Americans, not like George Bush who only cares about the top one percent, he cares about those who are significantly worse off than the top one percent; all the way down to perhaps the top two, three or even (can it be?) the top four percent!
It is because of this terrible experience, that he now insists he really, really loves our country. And I must believe him with all of my heart, because who among us after suffering at the hands of a foreign enemy wouldn't fall deeply in love with the land of his birth, the land he fought for and took such pain for? But as is abundantly clear, this change at the hands of the enemy really did turn him around- he used to hate America, despise it with a passion that burned him deep inside. At least we must conclude this is such, for that is what he implied.
Now one can only imagine what he must have been like before that transformational moment in the cells, when that wonderful guard made the sign of the cross in the sand.
He must have really been selfish. He must have really been partisan, must have really had no care in the world for anyone but himself. Upon his return he even divorced his wife out of deep love for her, because he knew that he was only holding her back. He was afraid that the burden of living with such a perfect and pure soul such as he would only make her feel guilty. And I believe from the bottom of my heart, that the change from total heartless bastard, to benevolent and saintly John McCain has forced me to make this decision.
He really wants to improve this planet's health (no wait... was that "cure the planet", or "improve it's health"? I forget which one Obama said, and which one McCain said, but it doesn't matter because Obama stole his line from McCain.) He really wants to improve the economy for hard working companies, and the middle-class of sub-five million dollar wage earners.
And so I must surrender my vote to him. And indeed, you must too because his suffering was so great, his transformation from sinner to the human embodiment of perfection (did I mention he was a POW?) should cause all of us to vote for him. Unanimously. And then declare him president for life- and then (God willing) deify him so that he can finally stand up there in Heaven with those who He (I mean McCain, not God) sees fit.
Like Palin.